My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
