the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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