Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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