Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
