she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
