We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
