yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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