If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
