Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
