Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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