what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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