I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
