you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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