I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
