my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
