Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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