Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
