An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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