That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
