I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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