at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize