A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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