A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
