I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
