New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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