did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
