easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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