I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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