i would punch a child for taco bell
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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