who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
