I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
