I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
