There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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