youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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