she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
