i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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