i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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