i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
