i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
