When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
