seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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