She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
