UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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