went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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