I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up under a house in Key West
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
