No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
