College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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