i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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