farters have to be the big spoon...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
