guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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