so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
