He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
