my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
