Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
