Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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