I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
