She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
did i walk over a car last night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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