I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
